Cold Shower Hot Seat Season

Photo credit: Quinn McCormack

You’d be stunned how times in the past few years I have been asked some variation of, “So… Harbaugh’s on the hot seat, huh?” Depending on what I’m drinking, my response is either:

• “Wait–what?” –Coffee
• “Ha! You cannot be serious.” –Beer
• “You’re a stupid fucking idiot.” –Whiskey

It amazes me how quickly people have forgotten just how bad things were before Harbaugh’s arrival. For the sake of my soul, I won’t list all the ways that the program was Dresden-firebombed, by everyone from Lloyd Carr to Dave Brandon. I’ll just sum it up this way: in 2011–after the program’s worst 3 year stretch in 50 years–rather than conducting an actual coaching search to replace Rich Rodriguez, Michigan instead sponsored a Make-A-Wish promotion in which super-fan Brady Hoke got to be the coach for a day. Everyday. For 4 years.

Now, even the most ardent Harbaugh defenders (me) will admit that his Michigan resume still has major holes. He’s yet to win a Big Ten title. He’s yet to qualify for the College Football Playoff. And of course, he’s yet to beat Ohio State. The last of which being most important because without that,winning a conference or national title is virtually impossible. As evidenced in 2016 & 2018, when Michigan entered the final Saturday with only Ohio State between them and College Football Playoff glory. And in both instances, dreams of glory were replaced by total humiliation or bitter disappointment.

Still–even knowing all of that–even Harbaugh’s staunchest critics will cede that he has at least reestablished Michigan football. In less than 5 years Harbaugh has undone the damage done by the unholy trinity of Appalachian State, Rich Rod & Hoke-A-Mania. Michigan Football today, is basically where it was in the early 2000’s Lloyd Carr era, which to say they are a perennial top 15 program that will bubble up into top 5 consideration every couple of years. If the first 5 years of the Harbaugh Era was about stabilizing the unsettled foundation of Michigan’s football program, then the next 5 years must be about replenishing the trophy cases in Ann Arbor. Ultimately, Harbaugh’s legacy at Michigan will be defined more by the results of his second 5 years than his first 5 years.

Ironically, the people responsible for the “Harbaugh hot seat” questions are almost always Michigan State fans.  The irony being that Mark Dantonio is literally the only FBS coach in the state of Michigan that should actually be at risk of losing his job.  Also, sort of like a bizaro version of Jim Harbaugh at Michigan, Dantonio has returned Michigan State football to where it was in the early 2000’s John L Smth-era. Ok, maybe that is a little unfair … to John L. Smith.

In John L’s last 4 years at MSU:

• 22-26 record
• 0-4 vs Michigan
• 137-101 outscored vs Michigan

In Mark D’s last 4 years at MSU:

• 26-24
• 1-3 vs Michigan
• 107-54 outscored vs Michigan

I guess, from a purely wins and losses perspective, Mark Dantonio’s last 4 years at MSU have been slightly more successful than John L Smith’s last 4 years at MSU.  First of all, congrats–that’s quite the accomplishment.  Secondly, once you factor all the other bullshit that comes with Mark Dantonio, having a slightly better record than John L, while also getting throttled by Michigan every year, actually puts Michigan State Football in a far worse position now than it was in 2004.  And every year that Dantonio is given one more year to turn things around, is one more year of compounded damage he is leaving for his successor. As an opposing fan, Dantonio’s coaching situation is wonderful gift: despite having a white hot coaching seat resume, he is safely protected by clueless administrators, while he burns everything he built at Michigan State to the ground.

And I gotta say, it couldn’t happen to better guy.

Alternate Universe Coaching Carousal

Originally I intended to write a coaching search/prediction piece.  The chaos that accompanies the coaching carousal is genuinely one of my favorite periods on the sporting calendar.   It became apparent early on though that this silly season didn’t have any juice.  High end free agent coaches like Bob Stoops and Urban Meyer never became available.  And marquee jobs like USC never came open.  Without those moving pieces, the game just never got any momentum and thus, the other dominoes weren’t able to fall.  Instead of me writing a coma-inducing article about the hiring’s of Steve Adazzio, Marcus Arroyo and Jeff Scott, I offer you this alternative universe, where the more interesting coaches had been hired instead …

Florida State

The Actual Hire: Mike Norvell

The More Interesting Hire: Lane Kiffin

Choo-Choo Mo-Fo’s!!  It’s time to jump aboard the Lane Train!

In 3 seasons at Florida Atlantic, Kiffin went 25-13. For context, before Kffin’s arrival, FAU won 23 games in the previous 7 seasons. FAU’s 11 wins in 2017 was the most school history. Kiffin’s worst season, 5 wins in 2018, qualifies as the 6th best season in school history. This season, FAU got back on track, winning 10 games and another Conference USA title.  Since being hired at FAU in 2017, Kiffin has been the most impressive coach in the state of Florida. And almost as shockingly, thanks to Adam Gase’s tenure with the Dolphins, he was not the douchiest coach in the state of Florida.

Admittedly, Lane comes with some baggage. He’s always going to be the answer to the question “what would Kevin McCallister be like as an adult?” But he’s also a much better coach than his annoying persona would have you believe. And since when did being annoying preclude you from success in the ACC. If Clemson is any guide, having an irritating coach might be the key to success.

Arkansas

The Actual Hire: Sam Pittman

The More Interesting Hire: Literally Anybody

I am not saying that Sam Pittman was a bad hire.  For all we know, Pittman may end up being exactly what Arkansas needs to turn the corner from being the Rutgers of the SEC West to becoming the Maryland of the SEC West.  Who really knows?  What I am saying though is that Sam Pittman was the least sexy hire in Arkansas state history.  Which is really saying something, considering this the same state that once hired noted gravy connoisseur, Mike Huckabee.

Rutgers

The Actual Hire: Greg Schiano

The More Interesting Hire: Tony Soprano

This hire would not come without complications:

1. Tony Soprano is not an actual person
2. James Gandolfini, the actor who played Tony Soprano, is not actually alive
3. Sadly, in this outrage-culture we live in, having a sociopathic mass murder as your head coach would probably trigger the snowflakes

If you think it seems a little far-fetched that a fictional mob boss could actually coach football in the Big Ten, just remember this: Rutgers is in the state of New Jersey and Tony Soprano is New Jersey. Also never forget that this is the same New Jersey that once re-elected Chris Christie as Governor in 2013 even after being choked to death by Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi in 1983.

Translation: anything is possible in the Garden State.

Boston College

The Actual Hire: Jeff Hatley

The More Interesting Hire: Tom Coughlin

The Good News: Unlike Tony Soprano, Tom Coughlin is a real person.

The Bad News:  Like James Gandolfini, Tom Coughlin looks like he’s been dead for 6 years.

Nearly 30 years ago, Coughlin parlayed his success at Boston College into a job leading the Jacksonville Jaguars.  Coughlin’s 25 year NFL resume has 3 highlights:

1. He beat Bill Belichick in the Super Bowl twice
2. He was old school.  And by that I mean he was a complete asshole and everybody hated him
3. Anytime the temperature dropped below 55 degrees he looked like he just bathed in bleach and ammonia

Fresh off being fired by the Jaguars for a 2nd time, its finally time for Coughlin to complete the circle and head back to New England.  Boston College is the perfect place for Coughlin to settle into retirement, and do the thing he was put on Earth to do: be really fucking cold.